Feed Your
Emotional Brain

EmotionMatters Newsletter Issue # 1, March 21, 2010
Publisher: Dr. Mike Gosling

In This Issue…

– Feature Article
– Emotion Secrets
– How Emotional Stuff Works
– Conversations With Karen
– Live Seminars
– Featured Product
– Activate Your Emotional Wealth Academy Membership
– Website Links And How To Submit Your Article

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Dear EmotionMatters Reader,

EmotionMatters is the newsletter of the Emotional Wealth Academy providing articles, streaming videos, podcasts, audios, fact sheets, Q&A, counseling case studies, and much, much more ….

Feature Article

FREE ARTICLE DOWNLOAD

Notes to a Couple on how to get the most from Couple Therapy

Drs. Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson are clinical psychologists, and the founders and directors of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California. Known worldwide through their pioneering work in couples therapy, they are invited frequently to speak at major conferences and to conduct training in the psychological treatment of couples throughout the world.

Their book on couples therapy for professionals, In Quest of the Mythical Mate: a Developmental Approach to Diagnosis and Treatment in Couples Therapy, is used in graduate schools across the country. As therapists, workshop leaders, authors, and speakers, they are dedicated to helping couples create extraordinary relationships. They educate, enlighten and entertain while presenting innovative, practical ways to help you improve or refine your couples therapy skills.

How Emotional Stuff Works

Q I’ve been married for 12 years and we have three children aged nine, seven, and three. We both seem to be tired all the time. I love my husband and would not want to be with anyone else. Yet I don’t seem to want to be affectionate with him anymore. When he touches me it irritates me and I want to pull away. He must feel so rejected. What is wrong with me?

A There are several reasons why close physical contact is not welcomed during a relationship. Firstly, you say you are both often tired. This may be because you are busy with the normal activities of running a household with three young children and he a hectic work schedule. In this case sleep – not sexual intimacy – often becomes the greater priority.

But some resentment may have also built up in your relationship over various issues. The stress of unresolved resentment can also cause tiredness. And if there are things about your hsuband that annoy or irritate you, and you have not discussed them with him, you may be distancing yourself from your relationship until things “get fixed”.

Often if a man feels a bit distant or disconnected in the relationship, he will reach out and seek physical intimacy to obtain reassurance that the relationship is still okay. If a woman is feeling distant she may desire emotional closeness prior to intimacy, and so the physical touch in case it leads to sexual intimacy, which is not what she is ready for.

Some people need frequent physical touch to feel loved, whilst others need to talk and communicate. Try to work out what it is that is causing your feelings of irritation and then make a time to talk about it with your husband. It seems he also wants to be with you and no one else, so no doubt he will welcome your honesty and reconnection.

Emotion Secrets Revealed

Are you living together like housemates? Feel taken for granted and not really in a loving relationship? What happens when you blame your partner for what happens to you – nothing!

When women talk about feelings men hear it as complaining. When men try to offer suggestions, women get irritated as they don’t realize that he is trying to help her. As a result, one partner may simply shut down to prevent further conflict, believing that keeping quiet will help to calm things down. Any partner who needs discussion and immediate resolution of an issue will tell you this method absolutely does not work.

More expert advice on recognizing problem areas and dealing with a lack of emotional intimacy once your relationship deteriorates is available from Karen Gosling’s website, which is all about surviving indifference.

Conversations With Karen

Jealousy – Controlling The Green Eyed Monster

Many times in our lives we experience emotional difficulties and are unsure of how to move forward. Karen Gosling, an expert CBT counsellor, explores a common situation and offers insight as to how emotional wellbeing can be achieved.

Note: The permission of clients has been obtained to present this real-life case study. The names of clients and locations have been changed to protect their privacy.

Presenting Issue

Ted and Gina came for counseling together as Gina had set Ted an ultimatum – get counseling or get out. She had had enough of his suspicions and accusations, his questioning and his double-checking. She felt that she scarcely had a life of her own any more, as Ted was always asking her where she had been, who she had been with and what she had talked about. To her, all his questions of jealousy seemed so crazy – and Ted agreed in the counseling session that Gina was right. He admitted that his suspicions of his wife were unfounded, and that there was no evidence to suggest she was not truly “in the marriage” – apart from her recent outburst that she had had enough, and that had been brought on by his constant interrogation.

Ted said that he tried to not ask Gina about her social outings, but then his insecurity got the better of him. He thought that if he didn’t ask, that Gina would have complete freedom to do whatever she wanted in her social life. Gina was flabbergasted, and had asked him what exactly he meant by that. When he clarified his fears that she may be having an affair with another man, Gina felt mistrusted and hurt. She said she no longer wanted to be in a marriage where her husband did not trust her. Hence her ultimatum regarding counseling.

Previously, when Gina had expressed frustration at his interrogations, Ted interpreted this as defensiveness, which reinforced his view that Gina was having or at least thinking about having an affair. She often went out with girlfriends, and had ample opportunity to do so when he was away on business trips. He knew that she was a very sociable and outgoing woman, who engaged easily with all she met, and whilst this was a quality he adored about her, it added to his insecurity.

Karen’s Assessment

I explained to Ted that his insecurity was driving away the woman he loved and wanted to be with. He said he wanted to trust, but his feelings wouldn’t let him. I advised that his negative feelings of suspicion were his alone but that he was blaming Gina for them. He had to now take the responsibility of dealing with them. He had to recognize his suspicious thoughts as his negative inner voice, feeding anxiety and playing videos in his brain of what Gina might be doing, and then those thoughts generating feelings that made him believe they truly belonged to a reality situation. He had to learn to turn off his internal video player by managing his inner voice better.

Work done in counseling

I suggested Gina could also learn to help Ted with his insecurity by recognizing his need for affirmation and verbal reassurance that he was loved and desired as a husband. Gina complained and said that this did not come naturally for her, and that often she was so fed up with his interrogations that she found it hard to affirm him. If he phoned her on her mobile whilst she was out with girlfriends, for example, she would feel “checked up on” and would then sound irritable on the phone. This of course did not help Ted! Ted would have to try hard to resist the urge to phone her, and she would have to work hard at sounding pleasant, not irritable, if he did need to ring for a genuine matter.

Outcome

When Gina saw that Ted was not phoning her so often, she was able to volunteer information more readily. Each felt more secure and each appreciated the other’s effort, growing closer together.

Karen’s advice for moving forward

When working on a marriage, each person has to move out of their comfort zone and do something for the other. Marriage is about giving to, not always hoping to get something from, the partner. When one feels
truly loved, it is easier to respond spontaneously and more fully. In this way, each partner feels fulfilled and secure in the relationship.

Live Seminars

“Conversations With Karen” – Coming soon, Karen Gosling will lead you in this one-day seminar to increase your effectiveness in understanding and managing your stress.

For complete details and registration contact Karen Gosling.

Featured Product

Surviving Life Dramas Combo Pack

After 30 years teaching thousands of people LIVE from 83 countries around the world how to understand their emotions … observing countless dramas unfold before me in the counseling room … listening to the stories of thousands of clients, and following their progress as they applied what they’d learnt, expert counselor Karen Gosling realized one thing: Everybody is making it too hard to solve their life dramas!

Have you had enough of being overburdened with life dramas and wish you could get back to being in control? Do you know that when you’re stressed it’s hard to focus on reading books? Get Karen Gosling’s complete series of 12 one-hour DVDs (with audio CDs and transcripts) on surviving life dramas for you to watch and begin to release your pain and create a life without drama.

Activate Your Emotional Wealth Secrets Membership Soon…

The Emotional Wealth Academy is being assembled as a complete destination for emotional knowledge, articles, networking, discussions, industry reports, medical practitioner and thought leader interviews, and special offers. You can pose questions to leading experts in emotional wealth and participate in a real life supportive community facilitated by Dr. Mike and Karen Gosling.

Activate Your 14-Day Membership in The Emotional Wealth Academy Soon…

Join this dedicated support network of people interested in
Emotional Wealth! Do you want to…

• Meet thousands of other like-minded men and women who want to improve their lives?
• Learn from experts on emotional, mental, and physical health, relationships, to stay well?
• Participate in our forum with people dedicated to personal and emotional success?
• Share your ideas, beliefs, and concerns with thousands of Emotional Wealth Academy.com members and visitors?

If the answer to any of these questions is YES, then a 14-day Emotional Wealth Academy Membership is available for you for just $4.95! This is something Karen and Dr. Mike are really proud of. We believe it will help you make 2010 your best year yet! And this subscription membership site will be kept fresh with new content added each month. Take a sneak peak at the Emotional Wealth Secrets now. You will be able to join very soon!

On The Website

The Emotional Wealth Academy Blog is live with articles and posts by Dr. Mike and Karen Gosling and others. Looking for an experienced, caring, professional, empathic counselor? Start counseling today with expert cognitive-behavioral and emotional wealth counselor, Mrs Karen Gosling. Want to stop one annoying and irritating behavior that may be preventing you from being more successful than you alreay are? Start executive coaching with emotional intelligence expert and emotional wealth coach, Dr. Mike Gosling. Need a keynote or seminar speaker on The Emotional Leader, How To Stop Bad Habits At Work, Emotional Intelligence In The Workplace, Managing Personal Stress, The Anxious Personality, Understanding Your Emotional Brain, Adult Attention Deficit Disorder? Book a speaking event with either Dr. Mike or Karen Gosling.

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