Feed Your
Emotional Brain

The free resources available from this page will improve your emotional well-being, boost your career, and develop your emotional skills. The articles, emotional wealth secrets, counseling case studies, and answers to your questions on how emotional stuff works will help you apply what you are learning to your own life situation. Our extensive resource library … including audio and video presentations … is available at our Emotional Wealth Secrets website.

EMOTIONMATTERS EZINE ARCHIVE >>

Articles:

• Understand Your Emotional Brain

To perceive emotion is to receive and interpret information from both external (world) and internal (body) environments. Your senses – sight, smell, touch, taste and hearing – connect you to the world around you, through your physical brain. Read More…

• The Physiological Effects of Stress

The body manages well with an optimal level of stress. Adrenalin generated to the optimal level of stress is needed for alertness and clarity and for being on guard – fight or flight. Read more …

• Know Your Emotional Style

There are two emotional styles – avoidant and reactive. Regardless of your gender, you are more likely to display more of one style than the other. Read more …

• Resolving Resentments

Resentment is a strong negative emotion that you experience when you remember or recall an incident from the past that caused an emotional pain at the time, which has never been resolved. Read more …

• Anxious Personality

A person with an anxious personality experiences an overreaction to threatening stimuli in his or her environment, resulting in the body having a greater stress response than another person might have to the same event. The anxious person is less able to tolerate the normal uncertainties about the future and the “dangers” that may arise. Read more …

• Managing Conflict

Conflict occurs when you feel hurt (negative emotion) and you want to resolve the pain. It is no different to having a physical pain (cramp, headache, stubbing your toe) and wanting the pain to go away. Read more …

Read More Articles >>

Emotional Wealth Secrets:

• Effective Communication Framework

Learn and use the XYZ communication model and build relationships. Read More…

• Borderline Personality Disorder

The person suffering a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is usually female. If you are related to or involved in a relationship with a Borderline Personality (BP) you will often feel as thought you are walking on eggshells. Read More…

• The Housemate Syndrome

Are you living together like housemates? Feel taken for granted and not really in a loving relationship? What happens when you blame your partner for what happens to you – nothing! Read More…

• The Highly Sensitive Person – HSP

Highly sensitive people (HSPs) really do exist! In fact they make up about 20 per cent of the population. That question: “Whatever is the matter with you?” can finally be answered. The secret trait you thought of all your life as a flaw, is a flaw no longer. Read More…

• Normal Trauma Reactions

You have experienced a traumatic event (an injury, loss of a loved one or property, or a serious threat, or any overwhelming emotional experience). Even though the event may be completed, you may now be experiencing, or may experience later, some strong emotional or physical reactions. It is very common, in fact quite normal, for people to experience emotional aftershocks when they have passed through an horrible event. Read More…

• The Narcissist

The narcissist requires excessive admiration, attention, and affirmation, or failing that wishes to be feared. Such feedback is known as narcissistic supply and the narcissist uses others’ reaction to him to regulate his sense of self-worth. Read More…

Read More Emotional Wealth Secrets >>

Conversations With Karen – Counseling Case Studies:

• Is This Marriage Worth Saving

Relationships fail for three main reasons: 1) Unresolved hurts, 2) Ineffective communication, and 3) Not giving and receiving love according to one’s needs. Learn about a couple experiencing communication difficulties. Read More…

• Rage Against The Machine – Kids In Crisis

Parents often feel exasperated or bewildered when their child suddenly starts exhibiting anger or rage. They question what, as parents, they’re doing wrong. Read More…

• Banish Low Self-Esteem

Counseling was a critical intervention in a vicious cycle of poor self-esteem, negative feelings and depression. Read More…

Read More Case Studies >>

How Emotional Stuff Works:

• How Can I Trust My Cheating Husband?

  Two years ago my husband left me for another woman. After a month he begged to come home. I missed him. And he was a good father – so I took him back. He is now faithful, but I find it hard to be close to him physically. How can I trust him again? Read more …

• No Affection

I’ve been married for 12 years and we have three children aged nine, seven and three. We both seem to be tired all the time. I love my husband and would not want to be with anyone else. Yet I don’t seem to want to be affectionate with him anymore. When he touches me it irritates me and I pull away. He must feel so rejected. What’s wrong with me? Read more …

• Panic Disorder

I’m suffering from panic attacks. They started two years ago and I felt I was going crazy. I’ve tried seeing a few doctors but still the sensation of fear came when I stopped medication. I am sick and tired of taking medicine because I plan to have a baby soon. Please help. Read more ...

Read More on How Emotional Stuff Works >>

Go back to Emotional Wealth Academy Blog >>

Dr. Mike and Karen Gosling welcome you to the Emotional Wealth Academy and EASEQuadrant® . Want to learn how to understand the cause of your feelings, improve your mood, and feel better than you do right now? You know, it’s never been easier to choose emotional wealth! Would you like to “hang out” with two experts in emotions every month and use our 30+ years of experience in building emotional wealth to stay well and create the relationships you never thought possible? Would you benefit from free resources designed to help you deal with behavioral change, emotional distress and personal problems, or are you simply troubled by your feelings?

Emotional Wealth – The FORCE of Real Life!

“If you have emotional wealth, you can discover the most powerful strategies to stay well and have healthy relationships.” – Dr. Mike & Karen Gosling

Subscribe to EmotionMatters Newsletter:

EmotionMatters is one of the most real-life, here’s-how-to-do-it online newsletters you’ll ever find on the emotion strategies you can use to rapidly grow your quality of life. Discover our stress-busting success system that will immediately reduce the impact of stress felt in your body and not allow it to affect you for a minute longer than it has to. You’ll learn strategies and secrets, like…

• How to understand your emotional brain and learn techniques to calm yourself almost effortlessly;
• How to effectively manage your emotional style to improve your relationships;
• The “Emotional Wealth Habits” which stop behavior that may be preventing you from being even more successful than you already are (even toward your friends who are not emotionally savvy)…
• How to quickly deal with negative thinking - specifically designed to make you focus on your truth and NOT appearances;

… And much, much more!

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21/3/10 Issue#1: Article – How To Get The Most From Couple Therapy EmotionMatters Newsletter Issue # 1, March 21, 2010 Publisher: Dr. Mike Gosling In This Issue… – Feature Article – Emotion Secrets – How Emotional Stuff Works – Conversations With Karen – Live Seminars – Featured Product – Activate Your Emotional Wealth Academy Membership – Website Links And How To Submit Your Article To be removed from this newsletter, please click the Unsubscribe link at the end of the email you received. ============================ Dear EmotionMatters Reader, EmotionMatters is the newsletter of the Emotional Wealth Academy providing articles, streaming videos, podcasts, audios, fact sheets, Q&A, counseling case studies, and much, much more …. Feature Article FREE ARTICLE DOWNLOAD Notes to a Couple on how to get the most from Couple Therapy Drs. Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson are clinical psychologists, and the founders and directors of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California. Known worldwide through their pioneering work in couples therapy, they are invited frequently to speak at major conferences and to conduct training in the psychological treatment of couples throughout the world. Their book on couples therapy for professionals, In Quest of the Mythical Mate: a Developmental Approach to Diagnosis and Treatment in Couples Therapy, is used in graduate schools across the country. As therapists, workshop leaders, authors, and speakers, they are dedicated to helping couples create extraordinary relationships. They educate, enlighten and entertain while presenting innovative, practical ways to help you improve or refine your couples therapy skills. How Emotional Stuff Works Q I’ve been married for 12 years and we have three children aged nine, seven, and three. We both seem to be tired all the time. I love my husband and would not want to be with anyone else. Yet I don’t seem to want to be affectionate with him anymore. When he touches me it irritates me and I want to pull away. He must feel so rejected. What is wrong with me? A There are several reasons why close physical contact is not welcomed during a relationship. Firstly, you say you are both often tired. This may be because you are busy with the normal activities of running a household with three young children and he a hectic work schedule. In this case sleep – not sexual intimacy – often becomes the greater priority. But some resentment may have also built up in your relationship over various issues. The stress of unresolved resentment can also cause tiredness. And if there are things about your hsuband that annoy or irritate you, and you have not discussed them with him, you may be distancing yourself from your relationship until things “get fixed”. Often if a man feels a bit distant or disconnected in the relationship, he will reach out and seek physical intimacy to obtain reassurance that the relationship is still okay. If a woman is feeling distant she may desire emotional closeness prior to intimacy, and so the physical touch in case it leads to sexual intimacy, which is not what she is ready for. Some people need frequent physical touch to feel loved, whilst others need to talk and communicate. Try to work out what it is that is causing your feelings of irritation and then make a time to talk about it with your husband. It seems he also wants to be with you and no one else, so no doubt he will welcome your honesty and reconnection. Emotion Secrets Revealed Are you living together like housemates? Feel taken for granted and not really in a loving relationship? What happens when you blame your partner for what happens to you – nothing! When women talk about feelings men hear it as complaining. When men try to offer suggestions, women get irritated as they don’t realize that he is trying to help her. As a result, one partner may simply shut down to prevent further conflict, believing that keeping quiet will help to calm things down. Any partner who needs discussion and immediate resolution of an issue will tell you this method absolutely does not work. More expert advice on recognizing problem areas and dealing with a lack of emotional intimacy once your relationship deteriorates is available from Karen Gosling’s website, which is all about surviving indifference. Conversations With Karen Jealousy – Controlling The Green Eyed Monster Many times in our lives we experience emotional difficulties and are unsure of how to move forward. Karen Gosling, an expert CBT counsellor, explores a common situation and offers insight as to how emotional wellbeing can be achieved. Note: The permission of clients has been obtained to present this real-life case study. The names of clients and locations have been changed to protect their privacy. Presenting Issue Ted and Gina came for counseling together as Gina had set Ted an ultimatum – get counseling or get out. She had had enough of his suspicions and accusations, his questioning and his double-checking. She felt that she scarcely had a life of her own any more, as Ted was always asking her where she had been, who she had been with and what she had talked about. To her, all his questions of jealousy seemed so crazy – and Ted agreed in the counseling session that Gina was right. He admitted that his suspicions of his wife were unfounded, and that there was no evidence to suggest she was not truly “in the marriage” – apart from her recent outburst that she had had enough, and that had been brought on by his constant interrogation. Ted said that he tried to not ask Gina about her social outings, but then his insecurity got the better of him. He thought that if he didn’t ask, that Gina would have complete freedom to do whatever she wanted in her social life. Gina was flabbergasted, and had asked him what exactly he meant by that. When he clarified his fears that she may be having an affair with another man, Gina felt mistrusted and hurt. She said she no longer wanted to be in a marriage where her husband did not trust her. Hence her ultimatum regarding counseling. Previously, when Gina had expressed frustration at his interrogations, Ted interpreted this as defensiveness, which reinforced his view that Gina was having or at least thinking about having an affair. She often went out with girlfriends, and had ample opportunity to do so when he was away on business trips. He knew that she was a very sociable and outgoing woman, who engaged easily with all she met, and whilst this was a quality he adored about her, it added to his insecurity. Karen’s Assessment I explained to Ted that his insecurity was driving away the woman he loved and wanted to be with. He said he wanted to trust, but his feelings wouldn’t let him. I advised that his negative feelings of suspicion were his alone but that he was blaming Gina for them. He had to now take the responsibility of dealing with them. He had to recognize his suspicious thoughts as his negative inner voice, feeding anxiety and playing videos in his brain of what Gina might be doing, and then those thoughts generating feelings that made him believe they truly belonged to a reality situation. He had to learn to turn off his internal video player by managing his inner voice better. Work done in counseling I suggested Gina could also learn to help Ted with his insecurity by recognizing his need for affirmation and verbal reassurance that he was loved and desired as a husband. Gina complained and said that this did not come naturally for her, and that often she was so fed up with his interrogations that she found it hard to affirm him. If he phoned her on her mobile whilst she was out with girlfriends, for example, she would feel “checked up on” and would then sound irritable on the phone. This of course did not help Ted! Ted would have to try hard to resist the urge to phone her, and she would have to work hard at sounding pleasant, not irritable, if he did need to ring for a genuine matter. Outcome When Gina saw that Ted was not phoning her so often, she was able to volunteer information more readily. Each felt more secure and each appreciated the other’s effort, growing closer together. Karen’s advice for moving forward When working on a marriage, each person has to move out of their comfort zone and do something for the other. Marriage is about giving to, not always hoping to get something from, the partner. When one feels truly loved, it is easier to respond spontaneously and more fully. In this way, each partner feels fulfilled and secure in the relationship. Karen Gosling is a Professional Counselor and Mental Health Social Worker. She is a graduate of the University of South Australia and holds a Master of Public Health from the University of Adelaide. Karen is an accredited member of the Australian Association of Social Workers. Karen provides face-to-face counseling consultations for individuals, couples, and family groups. If you want a professional to help you with behavioral change or deal with your emotional distress, personal problems, or are simply troubled by your feelings, phone Karen or Mike Gosling on 07 5564 7582 (International +61 7 5564 7582). Consulting Rooms (by appointment): 13 Valerie Street, Ashmore Queensland 4214 Australia Mobile: 0413-750-699 (International +61-413-750-699) Email Karen Live Seminars “Conversations With Karen” – Coming soon, Karen Gosling will lead you in this one-day seminar to increase your effectiveness in understanding and managing your stress. For complete details and registration contact Karen Gosling. Featured Product Surviving Life Dramas Combo Pack After 30 years teaching thousands of people LIVE from 83 countries around the world how to understand their emotions … observing countless dramas unfold before me in the counseling room … listening to the stories of thousands of clients, and following their progress as they applied what they’d learnt, expert counselor Karen Gosling realized one thing: Everybody is making it too hard to solve their life dramas! Have you had enough of being overburdened with life dramas and wish you could get back to being in control? Do you know that when you’re stressed it’s hard to focus on reading books? Get Karen Gosling’s complete series of 12 one-hour DVDs (with audio CDs and transcripts) on surviving life dramas for you to watch and begin to release your pain and create a life without drama. Activate Your Emotional Wealth Secrets Membership Soon… The Emotional Wealth Academy is being assembled as a complete destination for emotional knowledge, articles, networking, discussions, industry reports, medical practitioner and thought leader interviews, and special offers. You can pose questions to leading experts in emotional wealth and participate in a real life supportive community facilitated by Dr. Mike and Karen Gosling. Activate Your 14-Day Membership in The Emotional Wealth Academy Soon… Join this dedicated support network of people interested in Emotional Wealth! Do you want to… Meet thousands of other like-minded men and women who want to improve their lives? Learn from experts on emotional, mental, and physical health, relationships, to stay well? Participate in our forum with people dedicated to personal and emotional success? Share your ideas, beliefs, and concerns with thousands of Emotional Wealth Academy.com members and visitors? If the answer to any of these questions is YES, then a 14-day Emotional Wealth Academy Membership is available for you for just $4.95! This is something Karen and Dr. Mike are really proud of. We believe it will help you make 2010 your best year yet! And this subscription membership site will be kept fresh with new content added each month. Take a sneak peak at the Emotional Wealth Secrets now. You will be able to join very soon! On The Website The Emotional Wealth Academy Blog is live with articles and posts by Dr. Mike and Karen Gosling and others. Looking for an experienced, caring, professional, empathic counselor? Start counseling today with expert cognitive-behavioral and emotional wealth counselor, Mrs Karen Gosling. Want to stop one annoying and irritating behavior that may be preventing you from being more successful than you alreay are? Start executive coaching with emotional intelligence expert and emotional wealth coach, Dr. Mike Gosling. Need a keynote or seminar speaker on The Emotional Leader, How To Stop Bad Habits At Work, Emotional Intelligence In The Workplace, Managing Personal Stress, The Anxious Personality, Understanding Your Emotional Brain, Adult Attention Deficit Disorder? Book a speaking event with either Dr. Mike or Karen Gosling. ============================================= To view previous issues of the newsletter, please go to http://emotionalwealthacademy.com/blog/emotionmatters/ To submit articles or other information, please send us an email. To be removed from this newsletter, please click the Unsubscribe link at the very bottom of the email you received. Copyright © 2010 Gosling International. ABN: 28-219-744-700. Permission is granted to distribute this newsletter only in its entirety and provided copyright is acknowledged.

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Hello, I’m Dr. Mike Gosling.

Emotional Wealth is about perceiving, using, understanding, and managing your emotions and the emotions of others. Like arithmetic or calculus, emotional wealth habits are an exact science. They are the laws that guide the process of getting smarted with your emotions.  These emotional wealth habits have been systematized into a practical code we call EASEQuadrant. Once mastered, these laws will guarantee you a place among that select group of people who behave with emotional intelligence and increase emotional and financial wealth through right behavior.

EASEQuadrant is a collaborative effort by my wife and business partner, Karen Gosling, and I that integrates theoretical aspects in the ability model of emotional intelligence (EI) and the scientific fields of cognitive-affect-behavior (CBT) with more than 30 years ‘hands on’ experience in field. Karen and I have compiled this program of emotional wealth to help you get smart with your emotions – end emotional constipation and apply your emotional intelligence to build trusting relationships; for yourself, your people, and your team.

What is emotional intelligence and cognitive-affect-behavior?

Emotional intelligence refers to an ability to recognize the meanings of emotions and their relationships and to reason and problem-solve effectively. It further involves employing emotions to enhance cognitive abilities. Emotional intelligence is the emotional knowledge and skills you are able to develop and nurture to make your relationships work.

Cognitive-affect-behavior is a discipline that can help you understand your behavior. It provides you with an opportunity to change your behaviors through actively participating in reframing cognitions that drive behavioral responses, reactions, feelings, or emotions.

Through clinical practice, workshops, and seminars, Karen and I realized that people who are strong in emotional intelligence lead happier lives. So we created The EASEQuadrant Code in 2001 with the goal to empower others to be emotionally healthy through tips, tools, information, training, and multi-media education.

Specifically, EASEQuadrant will help you:

• Explore the nature and potential of emotional health.
• Assess your emotional intelligence abilities and identify areas for development.
• Understand your mood and emotional style.
• Generate empathy to build long-term trust in business, professional, and personal relationships.
• Build emotional knowledge and self-awareness.
• Practise expressing emotion.
• Create opportunities for individual transition.
• Promote successful self and social management.

Once learned, the concepts and tools in this program will help raise your level of emotional happiness – joy, attachment, trust, compassion, forgiveness, hope and general well-being. You will feel encouraged to assist others in developing effective emotional wealth habits in the home, workplace and community.

English novelist and critic, Aldous Huxley, said, “Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens to you.” What you learn from EASEQuadrant and what you do about it is your choice. Know that what is happening in your life is also unfolding in other peoples’ lives every day – you are not alone.

For example:

• Employees are dealing with customers constantly seek to provide prompt, effective, quality service.
• Managers and supervisors skilled in active listening and giving quality feedback are assisting employees to manage change and emotional distress in the workplace.
• Professional coaches and counselors are helping angry, anxious, or depressed people cope with the struggle of everyday life and make life-changing decisions.
• An empathic parent or partner is helping to ease the pain of unresolved hurts in relationships, or bringing joy to a family member suffering social or psychological problems.

A Pathway To Better Health

Could the Emotional Wealth Habits in The EASEQuadrant Code be your pathway to better health? Good health derives from a balanced combination of the physical, mental, social and spiritual elements of life. Clean air, clean water, good nutrition, the effective elimination of waste toxins made by the body, correct breathing, exercise, meditation, relaxation, social relationships, positive thinking, a balanced emotion state, and individual spirituality – all are crucial to better health!

Our belief is that better health comes first from correct thinking; your brain controls your emotional well-being. When you have a balance between positive and negative emotions derived from your cognitions – the way you think – you experience emotional freedom, and a state of well-being; a precursor to better health. But how does one acquire emotional freedom – that state of being free to use your emotions in the best way possible?

The EASEQuadrant Code explains how to treat the cause – not the symptoms – of emotional dis-ease; the emotional constipation that is the cause of stress felt in the body, with attendant physiological effects. The code provides you a road-map to better health through the application of the eight life-changing emotion themes:

1. Express emotion using my emotional style

• Know my emotional style
• Work on my EAR-Identity
• Use the GAP – Get accurate perceptions

2. Recognize emotion in myself and others

• Recognize how I & others are feeling
• Be aware of the impact of my mood
• Be open to FeedForward/feedback

3. Match emotion to task to impact thinking

• Know how mood impacts task thinking
• Become unconsciously skilled
• Tune into my physical sensations

4. Generate emotion to problem solve

• Switch to the emotion of others
• Level, listen, validate
• Drop the “YOU” word; practise X-Y-Z

5. Know emotion to communicate awareness

• Know emotions as a resource
• Verbally navigate emotional blends
• Know how emotions combine

6. Predict emotional change

• Predict the emotional change process
• Distinguish emotional arousal
• Understand defence mechanisms

7. Manage emotion to influence others

• Deploy my emotions skillfully
• Challenge my inner voice
• Be open to what I am feeling

8. Master emotion to enjoy unlimited growth

• Work on building my relationships
• Believe you can influence emotions
• Practise E.A.S.E.

Emotional Wisdom

Imagine what it’s like to be emotionally wise – knowing how to behave when you don’t know what to do? EASEQuadrant is your journey to emotional health, wealth and wisdom. The program will help you to better understand your mood, emotional style and impact on others – and respond effectively to internal and external events in your life. When you are emotionally wise you will experience emotional freedom. You will use behavior of the person you want to be. People who behave with emotional wisdom experience improved health, emotional and financial wealth, and a life of ease!

Emotional wisdom is acquired in the drama of life, experiencing your emotions. Every minute, in every hour, of every day, there is opportunity to exercise the eight laws of emotion, whether it is in your business, professional or social relationships. For example, let’s look at leadership. Leadership is relationship. It is about building a long-term trust feeling of trust. Mastering emotional relations is you building a long-term feeling of trust in relationships exercising leadership by choosing to behave with emotional wisdom – your emotional intelligence. Learning about your emotional intelligence – that is, how emotion can inform your thinking – is critical for building emotional relations. Learning and applying thinking that gains long-term trust promotes emotional freedom in you and in those with whom you have relationships.

Ultimately, you are what you think. You create your mood and emotional style. You are responsible for your behavior. Only you can make you angry or anxious. Only you can change the way you think and thereby your behavior. You can choose to own your feelings and take responsibility for them. Or you can choose to be a victim. You can choose to master the eight laws of emotion and enjoy a life of ease. Or you can choose to ignore them. It’s over to you.

An outcome of all of the Emotional Wealth Academy programs – which are centered on The EASEQuadrant Code – is that when you choose to understand your mood and emotional style, know how feelings and emotions are generated, and change your behavior accordingly, you will be a person acting with emotional intelligence.

You will:

• be a more confident and content individual
• be able to help raise the emotional well-being of people around you
• have increased your emotional intelligence – be equipped with a better understanding of how you perceive, use, understand, and manage your emotions and the emotions of others
• be an effective communicator in whatever situation you find yourself – particularly in your personal relationships
• have increased your emotional knowledge and skills from participating in every stage of this journey.

Want to learn how to apply your emotional intelligence to create the behavior you want in your relationships every day of your life? Apply what you learn from the Emotional Wealth Secrets programs and make a difference to increasing human wellness, moving a step closer to fully realizing your life goals and dreams.

Become a member of the Emotional Wealth Academy, if you haven’t already done so, and explore the wealth of knowledge in your academy.

Talk again soon,
Dr. Mike Gosling

=============

References:

Mayer, JD & Salovey, P 1997, “What Is Emotional Intelligence?” in Salovey, P and Sluyter, D eds, Emotional Development and Emotional Intelligence: Educational Implications, Basic Books, New York.

Goldsmith, M & Morgan, H 2004, ‘Leadership is a contact sport’, Strategy + Business, vol. 36, September, pp. 70-79.

Sir Paul Judge in Mann, S 2003, ‘Standard-bearer’, in Professional Manager, January, p. 19.

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