How Can I Trust My Cheating Husband?
March 10th, 2010
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by Karen Gosling · Filed Under: How Emotional Stuff Works · Karen Gosling
| A Learning Opportunity: Welcome to “How Emotional Stuff Works”. In this series of Q&A Karen Gosling expands upon questions that simply seek information and those that may trouble you. This is an important call-to-action for people wanting to stay well and have healthy relationships, and the answers are relevant no matter where you live in the world. To have your question answered, send us an email. |
Q Two years ago my husband left me for another woman. After a month he begged to come home. I missed him. And he was a good father – so I took him back. He is now faithful, but I find it hard to be close to him physically. How can I trust him again?
A It must be very painful for you to still feel distant from your husband after so long. The beginning of rebuilding trust is to make the decision that you are going to trust. The decision comes before the feeling returns.
Usually a woman needs to feel safe and secure in a relationship, before she “opens up” sexually. When that trust is broken she will avoid feeling vulnerable. So she “clams up”, and her desire for sex lessens.
A man however, will usually seek sexual intimacy for reassurance that the relationship still exists. To him, a rejection in the bedroom might indicate that his partner doesn’t want him in her life.
This paradox is a cause of many relationship problems. The woman wants emotional intimacy before sexual intimacy, the man needs sexual intimacy to know it is worth revealing his emotional and tender characteristics.
It’s important to explain to your husband that you do want to have sex with him again, and that for you, this is connected to trust. Tell him that you understand how he’s feeling and that you know sex is an important component if the marriage is to stay on track.
Ask him to be gentle with you initially, with words and actions, in order for your trust and sexual desire to build. And you must try to relax enough for this to happen – don’t keep avoiding the opportunity.
If it helps you, ask him for words of reassurance. This “talking” during sex is not normal for a man – but he may well try, if he knows that it helps you. Tell your brain to recollect the positive things that have been a reality over the past few months – things he has done for you and his family, evidence that he loves you and is committed.
Over time your brain will become “desensitized” to the pain of his infidelity. And whilst the memory will never go, the pain will.
