No Affection
March 10th, 2010
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by Karen Gosling · Filed Under: How Emotional Stuff Works · Karen Gosling
| A Learning Opportunity: Welcome to “How Emotional Stuff Works”. In this series of Q&A Karen Gosling expands upon questions that simply seek information and those that may trouble you. This is an important call-to-action for people wanting to stay well and have healthy relationships, and the answers are relevant no matter where you live in the world.
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Q I’ve been married for 12 years and we have three children aged nine, seven and three. We both seem tio be tired all the time. I love my husband and would not want to be with anyone else. Yet I don’t seem to want to be affectionate with him anymore. When he touches me it irritates me and I pull away. He must feel so rejected. What is wrong with me?
A There are several reasons why close physical contact is not welcomed during a relationship. Firstly, you say you are both often tired. This may be because you are busy with the normal activities of running a household with three young children and he a hectic work schedule. In this case sleep – and not sexual intimacy – often becomes the greater priority.
But some resentment may have also built up in your relationship over various issues. the stress of unresolved resentment can also cause tiredness. And if there are things about your husband that annoy or irritate you, and you have not discussed them with him, you may be distancing yourself from your relationship until things “get fixed”.
Often if a man feels a bit distant or disconnected in the relationship, he will reach out and seek physical intimacy to obtain reassurance that the relationship is still okay. If a woman is feeling distant she may desire emotional closeness prior to intimacy, and so reject the physical touch in case it leads to physical intimacy, which she is not yet ready for.
Some people need frequent physical touch to feel loved, whilst others need to talk and communicate. Try to work out what it is that is causing your feelings of irritation and then make a time to talk about it with your husband. It seems he also wants to be with you and no one else, so no doubt he will welcome your honesty and reconnection.
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