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Emotional Brain

Q I don’t know… I suspect my wife has symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Is Gosling International effective in providing a solution for her, or is there someone else able to do a better job? Are the chances of recovery good?

A Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a condition with severe long-term implications for relationships as a person with BPD needs a lot of understanding and tolerance of their behaviors. Yes, Karen Gosling is able to assist. Indeed she works already with several people suffering BPD.

In essence, the person may exhibit no real symptoms for long periods of time, however, under stress, he or she may experience intense feelings of deprivation and insecurity, and be prone to periods of rage. This seriously affects intimate and social relationships. An important element in therapy is non-judgement while the person ventilates their feelings and perceptions of life. This is necessary before self-awareness can be gained, by gently confronting the person to see things from another’s perspective.

Effective treatment of BPD will often include a combination of medication and cognitive behavioral therapy to assist the person stabilize their mood-disturbance and increase tolerance of anxiety. To this end, we are frequently in contact with doctors, psychologists, and psychiatrists for purposes of referral to ensure the person receives the best holistic care.

As cognitive-behavioral counselors, Gosling International’s counselors helps clients identify events (memory, thoughts, values, beliefs, expectations) in their lives that generate pain or negative emotion (stress) and produce excess adrenalin in the body. We assist clients to understand the physiological effect of excess adrenalin on their body and through increased awareness of their identity help clients to better manage their emotion state.

Effective outcomes for counseling depend upon a number of variables including a person’s willingness and readiness to receive counseling, their current emotional state, and receptivity to taking medication. Cognitive behavioral counseling is effective to help a client discover and correct the cause of inappropriate behavior and can serve as an appropriate avenue for referral point to other more specific areas of mental health care identified by an experienced counselor.

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Q Two years ago my husband left me for another woman. After a month he begged to come home. I missed him. And he was a good father – so I took him back. He is now faithful, but I find it hard to be close to him physically. How can I trust him again?

A It must be very painful for you to still feel distant from your husband after so long. The beginning of rebuilding trust is to make the decision that you are going to trust. The decision comes before the feeling returns.

Usually a woman needs to feel safe and secure in a relationship, before she “opens up” sexually. When that trust is broken she will avoid feeling vulnerable. So she “clams up”, and her desire for sex lessens.

A man however, will usually seek sexual intimacy for reassurance that the relationship still exists. To him, a rejection in the bedroom might indicate that his partner doesn’t want him in her life.

This paradox is a cause of many relationship problems. The woman wants emotional intimacy before sexual intimacy, the man needs sexual intimacy to know it is worth revealing his emotional and tender characteristics.

It’s important to explain to your husband that you do want to have sex with him again, and that for you, this is connected to trust. Tell him that you understand how he’s feeling and that you know sex is an important component if the marriage is to stay on track.

Ask him to be gentle with you initially, with words and actions, in order for your trust and sexual desire to build. And you must try to relax enough for this to happen – don’t keep avoiding the opportunity.

If it helps you, ask him for words of reassurance. This “talking” during sex is not normal for a man – but he may well try, if he knows that it helps you. Tell your brain to recollect the positive things that have been a reality over the past few months – things he has done for you and his family, evidence that he loves you and is committed.

Over time your brain will become “desensitized” to the pain of his infidelity. And whilst the memory will never go, the pain will.

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Q I’ve been married for 12 years and we have three children aged nine, seven and three. We both seem tio be tired all the time. I love my husband and would not want to be with anyone else. Yet I don’t seem to want to be affectionate with him anymore. When he touches me it irritates me and I pull away. He must feel so rejected. What is wrong with me?

A There are several reasons why close physical contact is not welcomed during a relationship. Firstly, you say you are both often tired. This may be because you are busy with the normal activities of running a household with three young children and he a hectic work schedule. In this case sleep – and not sexual intimacy – often becomes the greater priority.

But some resentment may have also built up in your relationship over various issues. the stress of unresolved resentment can also cause tiredness. And if there are things about your husband that annoy or irritate you, and you have not discussed them with him, you may be distancing yourself from your relationship until things “get fixed”.

Often if a man feels a bit distant or disconnected in the relationship, he will reach out and seek physical intimacy to obtain reassurance that the relationship is still okay. If a woman is feeling distant she may desire emotional closeness prior to intimacy, and so reject the physical touch in case it leads to physical intimacy, which she is not yet ready for.

Some people need frequent physical touch to feel loved, whilst others need to talk and communicate. Try to work out what it is that is causing your feelings of irritation and then make a time to talk about it with your husband. It seems he also wants to be with you and no one else, so no doubt he will welcome your honesty and reconnection.

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Q I am suffering from panic attacks. They started two years ago and I felt I was going crazy. I’ve tried seeing a few doctors but still the sensation of fear came when I stopped medication. I am sick and tired of taking medicine because I plan to have a baby soon. Please help.

A Panic attacks can be brought on by anxious thought, but often have no identifiable cause. You experience in your body an overwhelming sense of fear. Symptoms include dizziness, sweating, shaking, and shortness of breath. You feel completely disorientated,with heart racing, and may experience nausea.

A ‘panic attack’ will often occur out of the blue. You may wake in the middle of the night thinking you are going to die or be separated from loved ones. You may be overcome with fear that you are going to lose control of your car or fail in an important presentation and lose your job.

It is important to understand that a feeling of panic is your body’s physiological response to a negative thought, memory, or unmet expectation. For example, you may become immobilized when you first see a snake because of your thought that snakes are dangerous and can kill people. Your body secretes a good dose of adrenalin to prime you to escape and you begin to quiver and shake. Then you begin to think ‘what if’ – “What if I can’t get away? What if no will help me? What if I die, who will look after my children?” These ‘what if’s’ add more adrenalin into your body decreasing your body’s ability to cope.

If you experience ‘panic attacks’ often, you may develop avoidance behaviors – you may avoid going out, driving or being in a lift alone or flying in a plane. You may be at risk of becoming depressed or dependent on alcohol and drugs to lower your anxiety level.

A person suffers a panic disorder if there are frequent feelings of panic or fear. There may or may not be recurring panic attacks.

Cognitive-behavioral counseling is an effective means of addressing panic disorder. Equipped with a sound understanding of how you process emotion and cognitive strategies to use when a ‘panic attack’ occurs, you will be well on the way to dealing effectively with this unwanted and frightening disorder.

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